When Life Revolves Around Food

Hey there, and happy Monday (if ever there was such a thing).

This week has been a particularly rough week. And by rough I mean food has been the ONLY thing on my brain.

Where will I eat? When will I eat? What will I eat? How much will I eat?? What should I eat???? What's something I can get at the grocery store for cheap??? (Don't even get me started on grocery shopping. That will be a whole other post.) Should I eat dinner later to curb a binge???????

It never ends.

I can be sitting in class and think only about food and eating. I'll write and essay about the lineage of Legolas in Lord of the Rings (which takes a lot more brain power than one might imagine) and think only about what time exactly I'm going to have my calorically calculated meal.

It's exhausting, and I don't think that people in the recovery community speak up about it enough.

It's so Vogue right now to have a recovery Instagram and post these perfectly arranged meals on pretty plates or with spoons that say "calories don't count on this spoon."

Like, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but the calories do count, and you can't negate them based upon the aesthetically pleasing nature of your silverware.

I'm really tired of being that girl. I know that the people who matter in my life don't care about my idiosyncrasies but to the rest of the world, I'm that girl.

The one always thinking about food, making food a big deal, and being weird after eating.

The girl that can't just go out to eat. I gotta make things weird.

God help the people who eat with me for the first time without knowing about my eating disorder. I'll apologize right here and now for the awkwardness.

The only way you're going to get past the phase of thinking about food all the time is by...

...wait for it.....

...eating regularly.

Crazy, I know!

And eating regular meals with foods from all of the food groups.

I feel like it's important to know that people aren't likely to post everything they eat on their Instagram, because that would make you so uncomfortable. What person wants to be reminded of everything they ate when they already have anxiety about it?? Nah, people are just posting their healthiest and prettiest food from the day. They probably had a blackout binge later in the night and ate a whole box of Voortmans Christmas cookies (guilty.)

Maybe I'll start that. I'll call it the "I'm-Really-Fucking-Tired-Of-My-Life-Revolving-Around-Food-So-I'm-Not-Giving-It-Precedence-Anymore" movement.

Because recovery isn't what it looks like on Instagram. I could post a really cute picture of my peanut butter and jelly oatmeal bowl that I perfectly swirled and made sure I took a picture of in front of natural lighting so that everyone could see the deep, red jam swirl I agonized over.

It could look like that or it could be a bowl of oatmeal that could be mistaken for barf because i just threw random chunks of stuff in it and put hot water in it and stirred it angrily because I hate food.

Either way, I'm likely to cry into it.

Thinking about food all the time will change slowly to thinking about how you need to eat breakfast, and then doing it. Or knowing you ought to pack a lunch on you ten hour day of class, and then doing it. And then your brain can move on from thinking about food 24/7 to only thinking about it, like, 12.5/7.

And every now and then, when someone offers you a cookie, you'll only freak out a little. Or when you're having breakfast out with your family, you focus more on the conversation and the nice time you're having than the food. It's the little things that are gonna move you forward.

Don't forget to keep your eyes open for opportunities to challenge yourself! Here's your positivity for the week, brought to you by our favourite sentient mouse:

Love,

Cece