Why You Should Totally Just Eat That Muffin

(Don't let this little guy be your undoing.)

My time in treatment was definitely not the best time of my life. Add to that the fact that Canada's idea of eating disorder treatment is a total joke. They saved me from dying of malnutrition but I cant say they really tried to do anything beyond that bare minimum (sorry not sorry).

One of the breakfasts I had (Tuesdays mornings--there was nothing else to do in there but memorize the food schedule. Can anyone else relate?) Was this absolutely MASSIVE blueberry muffin that I had to put two packets of butter on. For someone who had just come to terms with the idea of eating food again, the prospect of eating this huge muffin (and everything we had to eat had a wrapper on it with the nutrition facts. Ask me how they thought that was helpful) was beyond terrifying.

We were timed, though, on how long we had to eat. So I did what I do best and internalized the feelings of anxiety and anger and ate the muffin.

The problem?

I love muffins. I love any variety of baked good, and for the longest time I wanted to open a bakery because baked goods just make you so happy. I still do, but when the whole world knows you have an eating disorder, pursuing a career in anything food related makes a LOT of folks uneasy.

But there I was, sat in the most stressful environment imaginable, with a bunch of strangers, and I hadn't been allowed outside in months. Talk about an environment non conducive to healing!

It made me so heartbroken that this object, this MUFFIN of all things was making me lose my sanity.

And that, my friends, is when I discovered what a fear food is.

For anyone here who doesn't have an eating disorder, a fear food is a food item that causes a person with an ED

a lot more stress and anxiety than other foods. This added anxiety could arise for a number of reasons, like:

1) this food used to trigger a binge in an individual

2) this food was spoken about in a bad way by friends or family (ie, you're sat down for Christmas dinner and great uncle Bob says "boy, I'm not gonna have any stuffing this year, do you know how many CARBS are in it?!")

3) this food is socially criticized and seen as "bad" (ie, cakes, cookies, high calorie and high fat foods)

4) there is trauma associated with the food item

For me, the muffin was scary because I knew from the countless health and fitness bloggers and authors and people said that baked goods were a huge no-no. Also the fact that the damn ED program left the muffin in its package that told me exactly how many calories I was eating.

After leaving the program I swore I would never stress myself out with foods that are bad. That I didn't need to challenge myself.

And, sure, that worked. I didn't keel over of malnutrition by only eating healthy and "clean," but holy crow did I feel deprived of fun. Here I was, supposedly recovering and I couldn't bear to eat things that weren't diet.

It wasn't until my first major relapse, recently, that I was having a panic attack at the Loblaws near my university because I was trying to find the lowest calorie oatmeal, that I walked by the baked goods section. I wanted to cry. Everything smelled so good.

So good.

Too good.

I went to walk away so I could hyperventilate in a different, less crowded aisle, when the little part of Cailee that had control of my brain and body whispered,

"I want a muffin."

It was just a quiet little plea, and it hit me so hard I almost had the wind knocked out of me. Since when did I let my disease have control of the joystick? And to the point that the little part of myself had to whisper this want to me as if she knew it was pointless.

And you know what?

I bought the damn muffins.

In that moment, I won against anorexia.

So here are my tips on facing a fear food:

1) write a list of the foods you're scared of trying

2) make four categories that you can put each food into: a) manageable b) manageable with support c) really hard d) seemingly impossible

3) once all of the food items are categorized, start with an a) or a b) and plan out how you're going to tackle this food (and I cannot stress enough the importance of P L A N N I N G)

4) do ONE food a week that scares you.

5) set up the appropriate amount of support you need and go for it, babes. Just dive right into it, head first and try to be mindful and present.

Try not to compartmentalize the feelings that come up.

6) DISTRACT!

Keep yourself distracted for the one hour it will take for you stomach to digest the food. Maybe write in a journal what you're feeling!

7) Congratulate yourself--you just faced one of your demons. And I am so proud of you.

Lots of love,

Cece